bench-park (update)

[emjen]

EXT. Small lake in Park – morning

A male and female duck with 5 baby ducks swim in the brown water of a lake. The little ones have a hard time to keep up with their big mum. The father follows the ducks from behind. They’re eating small pieces of bread floating around in the lake.

Suddenly, a HUGE WOODEN STICK flies through the air and almost hits the little baby ducks. The ducks are QUACKING frightened and flee.

EXT. next to lake – morning

Next to the lake stands a boy (11) with an evil laugh on his face. He’s wearing a TRASH BAG with holes in it as clothes. He turns around and walks back, through the bushes.

CUT TO

EXT. bench in park – morning

ZOOM IN in on face of a young man, aged 18, asleep. His name is TODD. We can see by his clothes and the empty liquor bottles beside him that he partied the whole night before.

OUT OF THE BUSHES next to him comes the TRASH-BAGGED boy, who spots Todd lieing on a bench. The boy gets a grin on his face, and slowly walks towards Todd.

Camera shows Todd on the bench, still heavily asleep.

Beat.

Suddenly appears the boy behind the bench with a loud SCREAM and immediatly hiding behind the bench again seeking cover.

No reaction. Todd is still heavily asleep.

The boy stands up again, looking at Todd from behind the bench.

The boy pokes him a little.

Nothing.

The boy shakes Todd gentle.

Nothing.

The boy shakes harder.

Still nothing.

The boy gets an eerie look on his face; he likes this situation. He walks around the bench and now stands besides Todds head.

The boy gives a gentle slap on the face. There’s no reaction.

ZOOM IN on the boys face. He has the biggest grin on his face you’ve ever seen.

He holds his arm backwards, and… SLAPS. The sound of a hard SMACK is heard. The boy backs away.

ZOOM IN on Todd. The smack awakened him. He tries to opens his eyes. There’s too much light shining in his eyes, so early in the morning.

From Todd’s POV. The boy is standing a few metres away from him, laughing silently and naughty, happy how he just got away with that.

Todd sits up, with a loud sigh. His eyes are still halfly opened. He looks around, he is in a nice green park, with a few pedestrians walking by here and then. Todd is still half asleep. Suddenly he realises that he is in a park, and not in his bedroom. With amazement he looks from left to right, and slaps himself on the forehead. And that hurt.

TODD
**** .

The boy walks towards Todd.

BOY
You’re awake now, huh?

TODD
No.

BOY
(grinning)
How come you’re awake mister? Something woke you up?

Todd doesn’t respond. He’s trying to remember how he got here. He looks beneath the bench, there’s nothing but empty liquor bottles.

BOY
Did you have a girl here tonight mister?

Todd, moving slowly therefore preventing the feeling of his headache, searches in his pockets.

TODD
(mumbling)
How the **** did I get here…

BOY
You got laid didn’t you.

Todd notices the boy again.

TODD
What the! Why the **** are you wearing a trash bag?

BOY
I like it.

TODD
What?

BOY
The way it feels. I like it. I don’t like pants. Don’t like underwear either.

TODD
(in himself)
Crazy fool.

At last Todd sits up straight. He moves his lips, and whispers things not heared, he still tries to remember what he’s doing in this park.

The boy sits next to Todd on the bench. He waves his feet in the air, not touching the ground.

BOY
Well?

Beat. Todd is half asleep.

TODD
…Well what?

BOY
Did you got laid yesterday?

TODD
Uhm… I don’t know actually.

BOY
You had sex with a girl and you can’t remember?

TODD
Maybe.

BOY
You’re a weird mister. When I am as old as you are, I’m gonna have a lot of sex with girls.

Beat. Todd doesn’t respond, he’s half asleep again.

BOY
And I’m gonna remember it too. But I can’t have sex right now.

Beat.

TODD
Why not?

BOY
I’m too young doofus.

TODD
Who says? I bet you can.

The moment Todd says these words he gently lays a hand on the boys leg. Todd turns his head and looks the boy straight in the eyes.

BOY
*** !
The boy jumps off the bench and runs away with his greatest speed. He turns around one more time to shout at Todd, but he’s too far to notice.

TODD
fa ggot! You’re a fa ggot !

He’s out of sight.

While the boy’s running away Todd grins. He closes his eyes again and falls half-asleep.

CUT TO

INT. Babywagon – day

A baby plays with his toys in his babywagon. He makes some gurgly sounds and there’s spit coming out of his mouth.

EXT. Park – day

A woman aged 30 pushes the babywagon and doesn’t look too happy. With a sad face towards the baby she keeps on walking forward.

EXT. Bench – day

Todd’s having a hard time keeping his eyes open. He doesn’t notice the peo-ple who walk on the path next to the bench who look at him with disgust of the teenagers these days.

WOMAN
(points at bench)
Do you mind?

TODD
Go ahead.

It looks like the woman doesn’t see the empty liquor bottles. She sits on the bench and holds the baby wagon with one hand, and ‘pushes it forwards and backwards’ to comfort the baby.

WOMAN
I used to be like you you know.

TODD
…

WOMAN
A wild teenager, going out and partying every night. I used to be called ‘rodeo tiger’ because no one could ever keep up with me, and when I went out I gave it all I got.

TODD
Rodeo tiger?

WOMAN
Uhm hmm.

TODD
Tigers don’t do rodeos.

WOMAN
I know.

TODD
Then why… rodeo tiger? And not, rodeo bull, or something?

WOMAN
What would you prefer, riding a tiger or riding a bull?

TODD
None actually, I’d like to sleep.

WOMAN
No no, choose one.

TODD
A bull.

WOMAN
Exactly. Cause a bull wouldn’t eat you now would it?

TODD
And you ate people?

WOMAN
No no. People, especially guys, got into trouble after a night partying with me. It seems like it was yesterday, but it was just years ago. A guy asked me out one time, he thought he would be able to handle me. Well, guess what, he wasn’t. We went to one of the biggest clubs in town and - -

While the woman starts telling this, Todd notices two pigeons fiddling with each other. A happy music comes in his head, and the sound around him fades. A small smile appears on his face.

WOMAN
I ******* hate this.

TODD
(snaps out of it)
Hate what?

WOMAN
This. My life right now. I am a single mother. God I hate guys. Have to take care of this baby myself, its not an easy job you know.

TODD
A guy ****** you and left you behind on your own?

WOMAN
Well, that’s another way of putting it, but yes.

TODD
Why didn’t you have abortion?

WOMAN
I’m still considering that.

TODD
But you already had the baby.

WOMAN
Go figure.

TODD
…

WOMAN
Hey, do you have a girlfriend?

TODD
Don’t think so.

WOMAN
How old are you?

TODD
18.

WOMAN
Look (points at baby wagon) Look at my baby.

TODD
(stands up and bens over baby wagon)
He’s drooling.

WOMAN
Want it?

TODD
What?

WOMAN
Do you want the baby? Her name is Michelle. Almost one year old now.

TODD
No! Keep the baby to yourself woman.

WOMAN
I thought so. Guys your age aren’t ready yet for the responsibility.

TODD
What? And you are? You’re even too stupid to put on a ******* condom.

WOMAN
Young man, you do not know how it happened!

TODD
No and I don’t want to know either. You’re the dumb one here, there are things like a pil and abortion and condoms you know. Don’t take your stupid-ness out on me.

WOMAN
(annoyed)
I can see where this is going. I’ll leave now.

The woman stands up and walks away.

TODD
You’re forgetting the baby!

The woman looks around annoyed, and with a steady pace she grabs the baby wagon and drags it away.

TODD
Geez…


----

edit: more improvised bench-park ness, hooray

not the end, but im just done right now, have more things to do. Just wrote this out of nothing, I just started writing and see what came of it. If you have some writing tips for me I am glad to hear it.

Not a serious project or something, just doing this because i was 'inspired' [img]smile.gif[/img]

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ July 01, 2002 04:24 AM: Message edited by: emjen ]</font>

[SoulJacker]

Drop "we see" and "beat"...they're old hat and script readers won't approve.

If you want someone else to make this, drop ALL the camera directions too.

Read a couple of scripts off the net, preferably new scripts - formatting techniques change all the time.

Trim the fat; most of your action descriptions are flabby.

Remember - you're trying to get your message/point/story across in the least amount of words.

I didn?t read any of the dialogue...

Good luck.

[redlum]

Whats wrong with 'we see' and 'beat', its a screenplay, just unformatted. Emjen - read a screenplay writing guide. Nothing 'old hat about a BEAT.

I actually found the way some of the dialogue was written quite funny. But I can only see it working in some weird tripped out dream sequence as the whole thing doesn't make any sense.

TODD
****** ! You?re a ****** !
(whats he saying here?)

[emjen]

***=f a g
****** =f a ggot

I've noticed, that whenever I start writing a short script or whatever which may be filmable by me and me maties, my sense of humour comes through. Its the humour that doesnt make much sense, so there are probably a lot of people who dont really like 'my style of humour'.

Apart from the writing style, how do you like the content?

[ac_01]

overral it was ok. I understand what red means with the "we see" and "beat".... you can include that if you want but in this case you didnt need the "we see" at the start.....some of the camera directions made it klunky.....the script needs to flow when read.....as for the dialogue - i liked it...
I cant say much about the content because its a short and sometimes there is not much point to a short...

[SoulJacker]

Erm, no. You should definitely avoid "we see" - "beat" is more personal taste...

"We see a male and female duck with 5 baby ducks swim in the brown water of a la-ke. The little ones have a hard time to keep up with their big mum. The father follows the ducks from behind. They?re eating small pieces of bread floating around in the lake."

You don't need WE SEE. You're describing the ******* scene to us, WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE SEEING...

Take ?we see? out - does it make any difference? NO.

Personally, I do not like the use of "beat," and I could offer a long explanation for why I feel this way, but it is still just my opinion, so I will refrain from going into the whole matter. I will only say that there are very good ways to indicate some desired pauses, in a natural way, without ever using "beat" or "pause."

[emjen]

this is the first script where i tried to implement(sp?) some camera directions. I came to the conlusions that camera directions are rubbish. Okeedokee.

[Generic Skinhead]

Wow. Can't believe I inspired that.

And now you've inspired me to write the spin-off "Rodeo-Tiger." That passage was great.

[blue eyed willow]

thats a real funny script ...like the way she tries to leave the baby behind...reading it in work and was giggling to myself so now my boss thinks im crazy!

[ac_01]

Loved the update!!!..... nuff said!